I woke up to find I have a child - Chapter 94

Today is….

May 9th, 2018. 

Han Feixu was confused for a moment when she woke up. She clutched her head with her hands, feeling as if her head was going to explode. 

About half a minute later, the memories of last night rushed back into her head. She had drunk a lot of alcohol last night, knocking back glass after glass until, at some point, she had fallen asleep.

And the reason she drank so much was because….

Han Feixu sat quietly on the bed, recalling what Ye Mingxin had said to her yesterday.

“Fine, you want a divorce? I’ll agree to it. If you want to leave, then leave. I’ll even tell my lawyer tomorrow to discuss it with your lawyer. But, I will say this. You can leave but Yiyi must stay. I will never let her leave with you.”

Han Feixu supported her forehead with her hand, as her hair messily fell over her shoulders. She couldn’t quite articulate how she was feeling now – relieved? Angry? So frustrated that she was grinding her teeth?

It seemed like none of the above.

She reached out to grab her phone, which was placed between two bottles of alcohol and an empty wine glass. She accidentally knocked over a bottle, and the brown-colored bottle fell to the floor. Instead of a crisp shattering sound, there was a dull “thud” as it hit the thick carpet and the bottle remained unscathed. 

But this dull thud seemed to pierce Han Feixu’s heart, causing her to stare off into space for a while. 

Today is Wednesday. Yiyi still has school. Han Feixu casually tidied up her hair and walked out of the room. Sunlight streamed through the skylight and into the second-floor hallway. It was already past eight o’clock, and Yiyi had long gone to school.

Han Feixu walked downstairs and grabbed a bottle of chilled mineral water from the fridge. She sat on the kitchen counter, drinking water to sober up.

Housekeeper Li came back from grocery shopping at that moment and was surprised to see Han Feixu sitting quietly in the kitchen. She carefully studied Han Feixu’s expression and then cautiously asked, “Madam, why do you look so pale?”

Han Feixu was brought back to reality by her question. She looked up and smiled gently, “Oh? I just stayed up a bit last night. Have you just come back from grocery shopping?”

Housekeeper Li nodded, “You haven’t eaten breakfast yet, right? What would you like to eat? I’ll make it for you.”

“No need, I’m not hungry yet,” Han Feixu replied as Housekeeper Li placed the groceries on the kitchen counter. Turning to her, Han Feixu inquired, “Who took Yiyi to school?”

“Oh, it was Lan Zhu. Miss Ye had to leave early this morning and saw you hadn’t woken up, so she asked Lan Zhu to take the young miss to school. Speaking of which, Miss Ye’s face didn’t look so good this morning. Wasn’t it her birthday yesterday? Did you two… fight again?”

Housekeeper Li’s expression turned worried as she spoke that last sentence. Han Feixu sipped her ice-cold mineral water, her stuffy heart feeling much better after getting some water in her body. She smiled faintly, “I see that you’re busy. I won’t bother you, I’m going upstairs.”

“Ai….” Housekeeper Li wanted to say more, but Han Feixu didn’t give her a chance to continue. Perhaps she had overstepped. She stamped her feet in regret and decided it was best to ask less about this young couple’s affairs in the future. Although Madam seemed approachable and gentle, she was actually more difficult to deal with than the Eldest Miss.

Han Feixu returned upstairs and sat at her desk for a long time, unsure of what to do. Eventually, she called Shen Sangluo.

Hearing that Ye Mingxin had agreed to the divorce, Shen Sangluo was quite surprised, “She agreed?” 

“En.” 

“Are you really sure she actually said that?!” 

“I’m sure.” 

Shen Sangluo didn’t know what to say for a moment. She felt she should congratulate her friend and celebrate. After all, those two have been fighting for so long and Ye Mingxin is finally letting go. However, even she felt a little uncomfortable about this outcome, let alone Han Feixu.  

Unless it was truly necessary, who would want their marriage to come to this?

When people get married, everyone aims for a lifelong relationship, one where they grow old together and support each other through thick and thin. But in reality, how many can actually achieve this?

Han Feixu’s voice was as calm as usual, almost indistinguishable from her normal tone, yet that ‘almost’ is only almost. That is to say, there was still a difference.

Shen Sangluo tentatively asked, “How are you feeling?”

Han Feixu lay back in her chair and looked up at the ceiling of the room, “Alright, I think. A little sad, but just a little.”

That’s to be expected. Shen Sangluo felt relieved, “Well, you did love her after all, so feeling sad is inevitable. But once you’re divorced, you’ll find your life is much happier. If you’re still feeling down, come over to my place, and we can go out and have fun. Don’t always stay alone, you might end up driving yourself crazy.”

Shen Sangluo heard a delicate laugh come from the other end of the phone. It seems like Han Feixu’s tone was a bit more lively now as she replied, “I know, but you’re so busy so I won’t bother you. I’ll go out by myself later, shop around, and then buy some delicious food. Don’t worry, I’m fine. Don’t you know me? I’m very strong now, you can even say I’m almost invulnerable to everything now.”

Shen Sangluo didn’t respond. After so many years, Han Feixu has truly become a strong person. However, that was only when it came to other matters. Once it involved the name Ye Mingxin, she would immediately turn into a shaky construction project. You wouldn’t even need an earthquake, just a light breeze would blow her down.

After hanging up, Han Feixu really went out to shop. Wearing sunglasses, a hat, and a casual outfit, absolutely no one could recognize her. She shopped for clothes in the morning, makeup in the afternoon, and went to popular dessert and hot pot restaurants for lunch. When it was almost time to pick up Yiyi, Han Feixu stuffed the bags into her car’s trunk and then got behind the wheel. 

When she neared the kindergarten, she saw she still had some time and parked her car. She decided to take a stroll around the nearby commercial streets.

This area was a school district and there were kindergartens to universities in the vicinity. The commercial streets nearby catered to students, including the store she stood in front of, which specialized in items that young girls liked.

Han Feixu walked in and stopped in front of the display of imitation jewelry. The box contained nearly a hundred rings, each one priced under fifty yuan. Han Feixu’s gaze wandered casually until the last row, where it suddenly stopped. 

She took a ring out of the box.

It was an iron ring. The gem wasn’t even one of those common zircons you usually see embedded. It was probably just a small piece of plastic if anything. 

But this ring looked just like her wedding ring.

Her wedding ring was just like this, a very simple and elegant band. Of course, it had a nearly eighty-carat red diamond in the middle, which they had picked out together from a diamond factory and had the most professional craftsman perfectly cut from the raw stone.

The price of a red diamond was dozens of times that of a white diamond, especially the one they bought which was of very high clarity. It was a gem considered so rare that it usually was not available for purchase. Ye Mingxin even said at the time that they were lucky to buy such a beautiful diamond.

Now, Han Feixu felt that it was hard to say whether they were lucky or not. However, that diamond was really unlucky. If someone else had bought it, it would probably accompany its owner for a lifetime. But since she and Ye Mingxin bought it, the diamond will only end up collecting dust in a jewelry box. Even if it somehow ended up in someone else’s hands in the future, whoever got it would be told that its previous owners ended up divorced.

She looked at the cheap ring for a little too long, and her expression was somewhat off, causing the sales clerk to suspect she might be a thief. Eventually, remembering she had to pick up her daughter, Han Feixu went to the cashier and bought the ring.

Why did she buy this ring? Han Feixu couldn’t explain even if she wanted to. Perhaps because the real wedding ring had already been returned so perhaps this fake one can be considered a souvenir. 

She picked up Yiyi and returned home. Even after Yiyi had fallen asleep, Ye Mingxin had not returned. Han Feixu returned to her room after she watched her daughter fall asleep. The wine bottles and glass in her room had already been cleaned by the housekeeper. Sitting at the desk, she found herself back to her listless state this morning.

She didn’t know what to do.

Actually, there were a lot of things she needed to do. She was about to get divorced, after all. There were so many documents to sign, and so much paperwork to prepare. If she wanted to fight for custody, she needed to follow her lawyer’s advice and make a public comeback immediately so she could take advantage of the public’s opinion to retain her daughter. 

With how busy she’ll be about to be, how could she have nothing to do?

Opening her laptop, she clicked on the document holding the divorce agreement again. It had been three months since she returned, and she had always verbally told Ye Mingxin that she wanted a divorce. She hadn’t properly read this divorce agreement, nor had she printed it out.

So, she decided to read it tonight.

As the night deepens, the human heart grows weaker. 

Each word of the divorce agreement was so formal, so solemn. Each letter is devoid of warmth, perhaps because divorce itself is a thing caused by the absence of warmth. If she could still feel even a degree of warmth in the relationship, then this document wouldn’t exist in the first place. 

Han Feixu felt that ever since she got married, there wasn’t a single day where she was happy. Every day there was something troubling. Every day she was sad. Even after going abroad and away from those who hurt her, away from Ye Mingxin, her feelings didn’t change much. Ye Mingxin’s family looked down on her, her career didn’t want her, and even Ye Mingxin herself couldn’t understand her.

Such a marriage was a textbook example of a failed marriage. If discussed online, people would ask why she didn’t divorce sooner.

Anyone can say such indifferent remarks when the situation doesn’t involve themselves. 

Why not divorce sooner, they ask? Of course, because she didn’t want to divorce in the first place! 

She still wanted to try. After all, it was not easy for her to find someone she loved so much. She might never love another person like this for the rest of her life. So of course, she didn’t want to give up. But, she had to give up. After all these years, she was tired. She wanted to live a more relaxed life. Without love, there would be no hatred. Leaving the source of all her love and hatred behind might allow her to stop being sad.

But…

Han Feixu closed her eyes, her head in her hands.

She has been married for six years. Even all six years of sadness combined wouldn’t make her feel as sad as she is today. 

Looking at the divorce agreement, she wanted to cry. Looking at the fake ring she just bought, she also wanted to cry. She wasn’t happy staying married, but it seemed she wouldn’t be happy divorced either. She was caught between a rock and a hard place. What should she do to prevent her heart from overloading?

Sitting next to the bay window, she watched as the moon rose higher and higher. She had no idea what to do. She wiped the tears from her face, picked up her phone, and tried to call Shen Sangluo, but no one answered on the other end.

She threw her phone to the side and grabbed the fake wedding ring. She stayed there, staring off into space for a long time before she leaned over to pick up a small succulent plant at the end of the bay window. She dug a shallow hole in the soil and buried the fake ring in it.

The real one is gone, so keeping the fake has no meaning.

Han Feixu squeezed the jade disk on the necklace* around her neck. She would do this whenever she felt helpless, as this necklace, given to her by her mother, made her feel as if her mother and grandmother were still by her side. (*T/N: See Chapter 53 for more about this necklace, the jade disk is formally called a ‘ping an kou’)

Everyone says not to make any decisions at night, but she wants to make a decision now. She even had an impulsive thought to rush into Ye Mingxin’s room and ask if she really wanted to divorce.

But what’s the point of asking?

Han Feixu didn’t know what the point was, but she still wanted to ask. She wanted to know Ye Mingxin’s answer. Bowing her head, she clutched her necklace for a long time before she finally stood up. She had stood up too quickly and too fiercely and felt a little dizzy as she stood. 

Shaking her head, she stepped down from the window ledge she was sitting on, but her legs had fallen asleep from sitting too long and couldn’t support her, causing her to stumble and fall to the ground. At that moment, the jade disk she was holding broke off her necklace, and with a clatter, it rolled into an unknown part of her room.