In Place of Losing My Memory, I Remembered That I Was the Fiancée of the Capture Target - Chapter 3.4
”So.., Xia.”
After talking for a while about things at the academy, Patrick said, as if he had changed his mind.
“Is the memory going back?”
“…No…”
I shook my head.
“I’ve seen the doctors at the royal palace several times, but first they need to find the cause…”
“The cause?”
“If the fever alone caused the amnesia, it would take much longer for the body to recover, they said. Besides the fever, there must have been something else that made me want to lose my memory.”
“You want to lose your memory?
“Yes… but I don’t remember anything… and my family has no idea what it was.”
“I see.”
The doctors have done a lot to help me remember.
But I was still clueless as ever.
“To be honest, I’m hoping it stays that way.”
Patrick took a sip of his tea.
“If you get your memory back you might hate me again.”
“That’s….”
I can’t say that’s not true.
I don’t know why I didn’t like Patrick.
“I’m sure I’d be in despair if you started avoiding me again after I’ve gotten so close to you like this.”
Patrick looked at me.
“It was love at first sight.”
“…What?”
“When I was ten years old, there was a tea party at the royal palace for children close to His Highnesses’ age. I saw you there talking happily with them, and I was attracted by your smile and your eyes. —I have always wanted you to turn that smile toward me, to look at me.”
A large hand reached out and touched my cheek.
“I was so happy to be engaged to you that I could almost climb to heaven, but… you wouldn’t even look at me. For two years after we got engaged we couldn’t even have a proper conversation.”
That… was a truly terrible thing to do.
But.
Every time I think about that, a small feeling other than the guilt I feel towards Patrick dwells in the back of my mind.
I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that I lost my memory…but I know that it is an important emotion for me.
I know it, but I can’t remember it.
Why did I hate Patrick before I lost my memory?
What is this frustrating feeling I have deep in my chest?
“Xia.”
Patrick pulled me into a hug.
“Even if you get your memories back, I don’t want you to hate me.”
“Rick…”
“I haven’t been able to even hear you say my name for a long time.”
He tightened his arms around me.
“When I went to see you after you lost your memory, you looked at me properly for the first time and called my name. I can’t tell you how happy that made me.”
Patrick’s voice trembled a little.
…I don’t know how many terrible things I’ve done to him.
My words and actions had hurt him for years…and it had made him mean in the game.
If I had not lost my memory…Patrick in real life would have been just like in the game.
To the lonely Patrick who wasn’t sure he was loved, but really kept wanting affection.
“Rick…I am so sorry.”
I reached for Patrick’s back.
Patrick shuddered in shock at the action.
“I don’t know what I will do when my memory comes back…I don’t know that. But…”
“…but…?”
“Right now…Rick is very important to me.”
I still don’t know if this is love.
But seeing Patrick makes me nervous and happy.
I don’t mind being touched by him…I don’t mind him saying sweet things to me, even though I am ashamed of it.
These are feelings I don’t have for anyone else.
“I…right now, I want to be with Rick…forever.”
If I get my memory back, I don’t want to lose this feeling for Patrick.
I don’t want him to suffer again.
“—Oh, Xia…!”
He hugged me tightly, and the strength of the hug felt good.
The smoldering feelings in the back of my mind seemed to disappear.